Like a car wreck, you just can't look away

So I'm not one of those women who congregate on message boards. Some people do, and they enjoy it, talking to people who are going through the same thing they are and such. I get it. I just don't feel the same, or need that, I guess. Most of the time because you run into people who um, maybe aren't the smartest? The most with it? These are just a few questions I found (spelling left as is, of course...). Heaven help us.

*my stomach is round, good-sized and hard ont the outside, but still kinda squishy on the otside. And my belly button looks normal. why?

Because you're pregnant, duh. Wait, wait, your belly button looks normal? It hasn't morphed into a baby-viewing device? Nevermind then. You just ate too many burritos.

*I just read that it's not safe to use dish detergents, like Cascade, in the dishwasher when pregnant because some of the detergent will be left on the dishes after the cycle is done and phosphates are bad for the baby. Is this just silly?

Oh, totally true. The correct method of cleaning your dishes is to place them on the floor and call your dog over. We hear their mouths are cleaner than ours anyway.

*What will happen to my preganancy if i eat spicy foods?

Your baby will grow horns and a red tail and will subsist on Mexican food only. Shoulda steered clear of the cayenne...

*This may be a silly question to ask but I am a bit worried. I woke up this morning and a gland in my left armpit was swollen and sore. It still hurts but has gone down a little. Is this a common occurance when you are pregnant or could it be something else?

GASP! Your baby has moved to your armpit! Quick! Push it back down!

*I am soooo craving some popcorn shrimp and I have it sitting on the counter getting ready to fry in a few. But I thought I would get some other opinions before doing so. I havent broken any rules since i've found I'm pregnant... I'm almost 9 weeks. I don't smoke, don't drink, NO caffeine at all, no chocolate, no deli meats... Can I pleeeasssseee have some popcorn shrimp just this one time?? I mean it's going to be fried so obviously, the shrimp will be cookied and it's my first time having shrimp since bring preggo. Is it ok???

As long as it has the word "popcorn" in it, it's fine. Also, three cheers for not eating any chocolate, that evil, vile stuff is right up there with alcohol. I love that she has it sitting on her counter ready to eat, but ran to her computer to ask the pregnancy message board if it was okay. Like, screw the doctor, screw books, I'm going to the source! And one more thing, can we talk about how much I hate the word "preggo"? It makes me want to throw up a little.

*I am going to ask my doctor, but I was wondering if anyone out there could tell me if they know anything about energy drinks such as boost or ensure.
Are these safe to drink during pregnancy

Boost? Ensure? Perfectly normal for the very young and geriatric, but we can't have you drinking vitamins and minerals and stuff. In fact, cut back on all fruit and vegetables, those have a lot of good stuff too.

*Is it safe to drink regular coke while pregnant? Does it have to much sugar or caffeine? What sodas have no caffeine? Maybe the clear ones like sprite and ginger ale?
Also, is it ok to eat real fruit popsicles?

That's right, as long as the drink is clear, you're okay. We all know caffeine is brown. Vodka? Totally fine. Drink up! I love that she asked what sodas don't have caffeine, who doesn't know that? Can't she look it up? Isn't that what Google's for? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but before I go asking someone a question I usually try and find the answer myself. Do my part. Try to not look like a fool. Also? I'm not even going to touch the "real fruit popsicles". I have no words for that.

*I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT THE APPEARANCE OF A BEATING UNDER YOUR NECK IS A SIGN OF THE BABIES HEARTBEAT.IS THIS TRUE?

No, that's a sign that you're alive. Your baby just so happens to be alllllll the way down there, chillin' with your bladder and stuff. Last I heard it's pretty much confined in your uterus, (might want to Google that, sweetie) and that mean old organ doesn't want to share.

*hi. i was just wondering what would happen if you were pregnant and you started taking birth control??

Time will turn back and poof! Baby's gone! Instant accident re-do. The government is keeping this information from us, in an attempt to increase the number of unwanted pregnancies. But! It leaked! Oops!

*Does ANYONE out there know about any risks involved in using hand sanitizers while pregnant?I have been using this periodicaly for my entire pregnancy which is 14 weeks, and it just now dawned on me that it might not be safe. The main ingrediant is ethyl alcohol.This may be a dumb question, but can that get absorbed into the blood and cause fetal alcohol syndrome or something else?

YES. Those little alcohol beads head straight to your baby and before you know it, baby's rollin' around TOTALLY WASTED, DUDE.

I think I'll just continue on, ya know? Skip the message boards. Go for a little doctors advice sprinkled with a little common sense and stuff. And hey, I might even indulge in some CHOCOLATE and FRUIT POPSICLES. I'm so bad...

Comments

[bridge]

Why don't I ever comment on your blog? You always seem to speak on mine. Anyway, hilarious! Consider yourself way ahead of the game.

[kate]

I am in hysterics... caffeine is brown! Or, like, it's written right on the can or bottle whether a drink has caffeine?

By the way, have you read the 'baby's named a bad, bad thing' site? Heh heh.

[turleybenson]

fruit popsicles. FRUIT POPSICLES.

for pete's sake.

[Ouutnumbered]

Oh my gosh, I think we are soul sisters. Loved the blog. You are hilarious!

[Tanner]

Yes, stay away from those real fruit popsicles! Only those pre-soaked in Alcohol are safe to eat while pregnant. ;)

I am mostly concerned with the girl who asked about taking birth control while pregnant.. She should not be allowed to reproduce..

[Abby]

Ok, that was hilarious. Where did you find these questions? Like the kid's going to get FAS from hand sanitizer. And real fruit popsicles are the devil! Fake fruit popsicles are ok, though. And WHY would you want to take birth control when you're pregnant already? She probably thinks she can get pregnant again...heaven help us all.